Oh, and some really quick shout outs: First to The Helldragon for helping me come up with the title of this blog, and WizWar100 for my signature and title banners! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!

Let’s not beat around the bush here; VIDEO GAME MOVIES SUCK. They’re mediocre movies at best, and that’s when they actually have some decent directors at the helm. Maybe we should just be lucky Uwe Bol didn’t get his slimy paws on this one. DOA: Dead or Alive is directed by Hong Kong fight choreographer Coroey Yuen, so you already know that the casting, plot, location, shots, and acting is going to be centered around the kung-fu fighting. Is that really a bad thing? I guess not, but like I’ve always said before, the greatest martial arts movies DON’T center everything around the fighting, so when a fight happens, there’s a stronger reason why they fight in the first place.

Damn, now you guys got me going philosophical, let’s just dive in…

In the first few minutes, we’re introduced to a myriad of characters, with some hit-or-miss casting. The first being ninja princess Katsumi, played by Devon Aoki, and ninja bad-ass Ryu Hayabusa, played by the not so bad-ass Kane Kosugi. Seriously, Devon Aoki was the best they could get? She can’t spit dialogue worth a shit, and her best performance by far was Frank Miller’s Sin City where she DIDN’T SAY A WORD!

And who’s this shmo trying to play as the most infamous ninja in video game history? Ryu’s the kind of ninja that can make Yuffie his bitch, make Raiden and Gray Fox look like rusted robots, and can probably take on the cast of Naruto, Basilik, and the Tengu games combined, and still kick all their asses. What credentials does Kane Kosugi have that shows he can fill such shoes?

You got to be kidding me…

Anyway, I almost forgot our third ninja, purple haired Ayane, played by cardboard actor Natassia Mathale. I’m going to withdraw any ‘carpets and drapes’ jokes that come to mind.

After a wire-fu leap  over a giant wall (grrr, I HATE WIRES!!!!!) , we’re then introduced to pro-wrestler turned fighter Lisa (played by Jaime Presley), and thief turned Barbie doll Kristie (played by Holly Valance). When I say Barbie doll, I mean she’s a Barbie doll, with lack of nipples and everything. All the girls are ‘invited’ to somewhere by the shuriken of plot convince, either flying into a girl’s face, or puncturing a hole in a vehicle. Doesn’t anyone worry that these sharp ass stars would actually hit whoever they’re throwing it to?

So we’re finally shown an airplane with the all the fighters, and the inconstant casting. I mean, they got Zak and Bass down pat, with half-decent actor Brian J. White and pro wrestler Kevin Nash, respectively.  We’re also introduced to a weasel named Max, played by Matthew Mardsen. Supposedly Max snuck on an airplane to infiltrate the tournament, but it seems that nobody really cares that he’s there. On a plasma TV, we’re introduced to the perky (in more ways than one) Helena, played by Sarah Carter, who tells them that he first task is to jump out of the plane they’re in and land on the island by parachute. So, does that mean just because you know martial arts, you’ve been trained in single-person skydiving as well? If that’s the case, my martial arts instructor and I will have words.

So after a mis-land, Kristie, Katsumi, and Lisa decide to work together to make it to the tournament on time, but of course it doesn’t go all that correctly when Ayane (how the hell did SHE get on the island?!) appears, with orders to kill Katsumi. You’d think being a skilled assassin, Ayane would be more than just a thorn on Katsumi side, because the girls STILL make it to the tournament with time to spare.

So we’re introduced to the tournament master, Victor Donovan, played by Eric Roberts, who puts the fighters through a full head-to-toe physical. Trust me, it isn’t as sexy as it sounds. It seems more awkward, especially when we see Helena camera-stalked by tournament nerd Wheatherby, played by Steve Howey. Already you know Donovan’s bad news, as he orders nanobots be injected into all the fighters of the tournament, recording their ‘specialized moves’. How much you wanna bet one of them knows some Kama Sutra?

We’re told of the tournament rules, which two fighters fight one on one until a victor emerges by knockout. The tournament continues until there’s only one victor, who receives 10 mil in cold, hard, cash. As the fighters get ready for battle, we’re also told that no weapons are allowed, which makes me wonder why Ryu is wasting his time twirling his nunchucks.

This is where the highest point of the movie starts. Corey Yuen films the tournament fights like the video  games coming to life. You get the announcer squealing, “get ready….fiiiight!” and gleefully say things like, “KO…Helena Wins…” Speaking of Helena, she seems to be one of the only fighters with a distinct fighting style, showing off her open hand, almost-ballet looking art of Pi Qua Quan. Everyone else, even the ninjas, seem to just fight with generic kung fu. The exceptions are Bass, who really doesn’t  fight much at all, and Zack, who uses a looser, kickboxing-esque style.

So all these fights are happening, and we also get some storyline filler with the characters. Katsumi still tries to find answers about what happened to her brother, Ryu still shows how much of a swooning pussy he is, Ayane’s still in the shadows, and Christie with Max plan how to steal the cash (which is a lot more than 10 million) from the island. Speaking of Max, he accidentally kicks the crap out of Bayman using his slippers. Comedic or Pathetic? You tell me.

And faster than you can say, “WTF?” the tournament comes to a screeching halt for some beachside R&R. I guess they were trying to take a break to let the fighters heal their wounds? Alright, fine, I’ll roll with it. Still being Katsumi’s little bitch, Ryu agrees to infiltrate the forbidden areas of the island for some intel seeking. Yes, Ryu has downgraded from bad-ass ninja to a guy who practically orgasms in his pants at the sight of a bikini-clad Katsumi.

His super stealth ninja skills probably spurted into his pants as he shows exactly how he decides to sneak into the complex…charge through the front door, beating the shit out of all who is in his way. And where’s the tournament master during all this? He’s beachside with his own entourage of bitches as everyone watches the DOA girls play a game of, you guessed it, volleyball. And the ball game come off more as boring than sexy. I nearly forget about the whole scene as I’m sitting there puzzled as to why Ryu would endanger himself by doing the most un-ninja thing known to man. Hell, you would think that this would be a good time as any to wear his famous ninja mask, right?

Naw, he just beats the shit out of Donovan’s guards, all armed with their fists, feet, and sticks. With millions of dollars and an ass load of high tech on this island, you would think Donovan would supply his trained guards with…you know… guns…?

“Now why doesn’t somebody just pull out a .45 and BANG settle it?”

-Bruce Lee in ‘Enter the Dragon’

Of course, every angle of this master plan goes to shit. Not only does Ryu get captured via closed-wall-booby-trap (where have I seen this before?), but a shuriken stops the volleyball game cold, sending Katsumi alone to face the stalking Ayane. So where do they finally meet face to face? A bamboo forest . I swear, you can not get more kung-fu flick than that.

So after a bunch of twirls and spins, and really not all THAT much actual fighting, what does this skirmish accomplish? JACK AND SHIT! Ayane disappears again, and Katsumi is reunited with the girls. You can already tell that the whole ‘tournament’ thing has fallen to the wayside, despite seeing one last tournament fight between Christie and Helena, in a rained down beach. Alright, credit to where credit’s due, this was actually a great fight to watch, and arguably the best fight in the entire movie. You get a distinct clash of styles, some neat artistic twists, and what’s hotter than two really attractive, really athletic girls fighting each other donned in nearly nothing? My only gripe was the set-up for the fight, because you see that the girls get along with each other really well, and it seems that Helena and Christie were just about to have some bonding time. Next thing you know, the switch is flipped, and these girls have that sexy, ‘I’magonnakillya’ look on their face.

So after Christie beats Helena, she reunites with Lisa and Katsumi, and they all decide to just openly explore the complex as well, which easily leads to their capture.  This is where Donovan introduces his dastardly evil plans to the captured fighters. He ‘downloads’ all the recorded fighting moves from the nanomachines in the fighters, and sends them all into a weird pair of ray-bans. This brings on an assload of plotholes. Why are there so many chambers to hold captured fighters? Did Donovan PLAN to have this many fighters stumble into his complex? What if NO ONE went beyond the permitted grounds? Would he just send the fighters home and be out 10 mil?

Finally, what the hell is up with his evil plan? I mean, I’ll give him credit, it’s one step above the whole ‘take over the world’ bit (sorry guys, no Raul Julia). Thing is, how in-demand of a black market weapon is a catalogue of martial arts moves? I’m sure it’s the most devastating weapon known to man, with a whopping range of… about 5 feet.

“Now Why doesn’t somebody just pull out a .45 and BANG settle it?”

So Donovan reveals that Katsumi’s brother Hayate was actually captured and held for a whole year, just for this moment. To demonstrate his super-shades, he fights the captive and could predict his every move. How the shades does this makes absolutely no sense. It seems that it can predict his entire fight sequence, move for move, beginning to end. Shouldn’t a ninja master like Hayate be able to switch his moves on the fly? None the less, he gets his ass beat by the ray-bans of clairvoyance (sounds like  a D&D relic), but right when Donovan is about to cash in on the device, Helena and the nerd Wheatherby come in to stop him.

Climatic fights ensue, reunions are done, and for some reason or another, the entire island has a self-destruct that gets activated. Tons of things are happening at once, but they all seem dragged out and boring, and it just shows more plot holes (does the other guests of the island, like Lisa’s dad, know about the island that is about to blow to kingdom come?), bad acting (Max, I’m talking about you), and more Hayabusa pussiness (…). In the end, everyone leaps to their doom into the ocean below…wait, they’re all alive? So these are all martial artists that not only are trained skydivers but high altitude cliff jumpers? What martial arts school can I learn all this?

So they’re all stranded at sea when it just so happens the some boat pirate from Lisa’s intro scene come to salvage the wreckage, only to get punched out by Lisa again…wait, now I know who that pirate guy is! It’s Robin Chou, who played Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat! For a guy who’s highest career achievement is Beverly Hills Ninja I almost feel sorry for the dude.

So everyone survives, no money is won/stolen, and everyone lives happily ever… yeah right. We got 2 more minutes in this movie, why not one more plot hole? Katsumi, Lisa, Christie, Helena, and Ayane decide to go BACK to Katsumi’s old island, where the death mark is still intact. Now, why in the name of Nobunaga’s butt-hole would you want to return to a place where 300 raging ninjas want a piece of your ass? I guess this video game movie wanted to switch from DOA to Dynasty Warriors.

So, is this movie the worst video game movie ever made? Of course not. It does pretty well what its strengths are, bringing video game fights to life. When it does anything else, like say, a plot, and acting, it falls flat. No wonder it sits as the video game movie that time forgot. Maybe it’s better off that way.

-Grip Reviews: Weekly reviews in the world of martial arts. Movies, TV, and events will all be covered.

-Fight Event Predictions: MMA and Boxing mostly, I’ll have some event predictions done the day before or day of the event, as well as a reflections article on what the hell happened.

-KTFO Awards: My monthly award to a poor soul who simply got Knocked the F* Out! Martial Arts, Boxing, Football, Halloween Pranks Gone Wrong, anyone can nominate someone for the award. Remember, pics/vids or it didn’t happen.

-Way of the Warrior: a little more serious note, just my thoughts on life, the martial arts, and anything else that comes to mind.

For now, expect an entertaining blog, and hopefully soon I’ll convert some of my text to videos. Thanks for visiting, and when life goes to shit, get a grip!

P.S. Big thanks to ‘The Helldragon’ for the title suggestion. You can check out his site at http://www.giantrobotinvasion.com